meh

You know those days when no matter how hard you try, nothing seems to go right?  those days when you're too tired to even really try.  those days when you're children are in tears and you're in tears and all you need is ten minutes to yourself so you can gather the strength to make it for a bit.  those days when you want to scream at your husband for no reason (or even a good reason - it doesn't really matter).  those days when showering isn't even on your radar and the house is a disaster and the thought of doing anything is just depressing.  when all you want is to crawl in bed, pull up the covers, eat your weight's worth of ice cream, and have everyone leave you alone.   

the only thing worse than a day like that is four days in a row.  yep. 


here's the thing.  I love my children and my husband and almost every day I crawl into bed and think how wonderful my life is.  because it really is.  but I didn't think that yesterday.  or the day before that.  or the day before that. 

here's to a better tomorrow  :)

Ironmom

In October, I completed an Ironman over the course of the month.  I wanted a goal that would push me harder than I normally push myself.  It seemed like the perfect goal and I LOVED it!  I had so much fun and feel so great. 

Of course, it wasn't all fun and games.  There were days I was so exhausted that I had zero desire to exercise.  There were days when my baby woke up every time I got going.  There were headache days.  There were days when Jeffree and I wouldn't get to spend time together until 9:00 p.m. because he'd get home from work, then I'd exercise, then he'd exercise, then he'd have class or I'd have young women, etc.  But there were awesome days.  Days when I was in awe that I accomplished as much as I did.  Days when my body felt strong and I felt amazing. 

Jeffree was so wonderful to support me.  I know it was a pretty big sacrifice, especially when he is working on his Masters degree on top of his full time job.  And even though it was hard to be apart so much, it made our time together sweeter.  He even made me a medal and a poster while I was out on my final run.

It feels amazing to have accomplished such a big goal.  I am so grateful for a healthy body that can do amazing things. 

a birth story

Wednesday July 10: due date.  dilated to 2.5.  schedule to be induced the next week if nothing happens.

Thursday July 11: anniversary.  thankfully, he lets us have our special day all to ourselves.

Friday July 12:

12:30 a.m.  wake up quite uncomfortable with an upset stomach.  wake up about every hour after that with discomfort/cramping/needing to use the potty.

6:30 a.m.  after a long night with very little sleep, little e crawls into bed with me for a bit, then we're up for the day.

7:00 a.m.  dishes, laundry, tidying up.  having small cramps.  they are not nearly as painful as they were during the night.  i'm not sure if they are contractions or not, since they don't feel like what everyone tells you they feel like.  they don't seem very frequent - maybe every 30 minutes or so.

11:30 a.m.  one of my besties comes over to hang out.  i tell her about my discomfort, and i'm still uncertain about them being contractions.  we visit, watch little e play with her baby boy, and have lunch.

1:45 p.m.  my friend leaves just as Jeffree gets home from work.  at this point i am assuming they are contractions, due to the fact that i have felt them all day.  there is no tightening or hardening.  it just feels like i have some indigestion.

2:30 p.m. jeffree tells me they seem pretty close together, since i'm telling him every time i have one.  he thinks i should time them.  i think we should take a nap.  i win.  we go to lay down when i get a phone call from a friend.  her van is having troubles.  they're in cedar and wonder if they can park the van at our house while they wait for family to help them out.  jeff proceeds with the nap idea while i wait for our friends to arrive.  i decide to time my contractions.

3:15 p.m.  our friends have come and gone and i'm surprised that my contractions are only 10-12 minutes apart.

4:00 p.m.  naptime is over for the whole fam.  i announce to jeffree that as it turns out, i don't really like contractions.  i also tell him i want an epidural.  i figure i must be a pansy, since i don't believe i'm actually in active labor.  we are headed to my family's house at 5:00 for a movie night.  we decide to pack our bag so it will be ready just in case.

4:30 p.m.  my sister has been texting me and asks how close my contractions are.  i say "ten minutes?"

4:40 p.m.  i hop in the shower.  i am having pretty intense contractions now. i'm having a big contraction, then a few minutes later i feel like i'm going to have a contraction, but it fades before turning into a full blown contraction.

5:10 p.m.  i'm not sure what to do, so i call my mom and explain things to her.  do the small pains count as contractions or are they just after shocks? should i be timing them?  my mom says, "lori, just go to the hospital. then you don't have to wonder." i hang up and tell jeffree we're going to the hospital.  we finish packing e's bag.

5:20 p.m.  i figure i better use the lou before we take off.  there's blood and i tell jeffree, "we're going to have this baby."

5:30 p.m.  we get to my parents house and have my siblings come outside to meet us and get little e.  we head for the hospital.  i'm still not a big fan of contractions.  they're getting worse.  i make it pretty clear that whatever happens, jeff needs to make sure i get an epidural.  we go through the emergency doors, since it's past regular hours.  labor and delivery is like forever away from the doors, so despite my best efforts to hurry, i have to pause a handful of times to endure a contraction.  i'm hunched over in pain and i tell jeff i need an epidural.  he says, "let's go.  keep walking.  let's get in there."  *note to husbands: don't tell your wife to keep walking if she's having contractions.  just saying.

5:45 p.m.  i'm finally checked in and i'm in the hospital bed.  the nurse comes to check me and i think she's going to tell me i'm at a three and that i need to go home and tough it out.  as she's checking me she asks, "were you dilated at all at your last appointment?"  the way she asks makes me think i went backwards and i'm only a one or something.  i nervously confirm that, yes, i was dilated to 2.5.  she replies, "oh.  well, you're at an 8 now."  i was blown away.   i was on the phone with my mom asking her if she thought i was in labor and i was at an 8!!!  "can i get an epidural?" i asked.

6:30 p.m.  I have my epidural and I'm feeling pretty good.  the anesthesiologist had to leave his garden to come in, since the one at the hospital was stuck in OR.  my doctor is here after leaving his cart at home depot.  we're all set to go.  the epidural slows down my contractions, so my dr waits for one, then has me push to break my water.

7:15 p.m. after pushing for about 20 minutes, he's here.  he's beautiful and perfect and in my arms.  a few tears surface as i think about the miracle that my body just performed.  he is the miracle.  i'm in awe at how quickly it happened and how much i was able to do on my own.  and i'm so glad he's here.

7:19 p.m.  my mom and sister arrive.  my sister wanted to watch me give birth, but my mom convinced her that i would be a while before having him.  she's pretty sad she missed it.  grandpa brings little e to the hospital a little while later.  she takes charge immediately.  "dad, you hold the baby.  mom, you hold me."  i cuddle with her and she seems to understand that he is here now and is part of our family.  she loves him, but after a few kisses, wants to just be with me.  my dad tells me that i don't look like i just gave birth.  and i don't really feel like i just gave birth.  it seems so strange that he is already here.  i just keep thinking, "is that all?  are we finished?"  jeff's parents arrive after my family leaves.  after loves from family, i walk to my recovery room, and jeffree, k man and i settle down for the night.

we love him so much.  he's healthy and sweet and sleeps all night in the hospital.  both of us are doing well.  24 hours later, we are home with our sweet little man. 

he is the perfect addition to our little family.

our little K man

Meet the newest addition to our family...

Kennan James Shirley

Born July 12 2013 at 7:15 p.m.



7 lbs 9 oz

19 inches long

A perfect little angel

We love our sweet little boy

our special day

Happy Anniversary to my man.  Thanks for marrying me four years ago.  I love you with all my heart.

Here's to forever together.  Let's kiss.

meet the dads

I thought it would be fun to do an ol' twist on the traditional father's day post.  First of all, I love my dad.  He's one of the best people I know.  And of course, I'm pretty lucky to have this man as the father of my children.  Now on to the good stuff.

They say you will marry someone like your dad.  I certainly wasn't shopping for a husband with a master list of dad-like qualities in my back pocket.  But it is seriously crazy how much Jeffree and my dad have in common. 

Jeffree and my dad both measure in at 6'3".  Both of them weighed about the same when they got married (around 150-155 lbs). 

They are both teachers by profession.  My dad taught math for 30+ years.  The hubs teaches elementary school.  Both are great teachers.

My dad is deaf in one ear.  My husband is also deaf in one ear.  True story.  My dad was injured when swimming when he was younger and is now deaf in his left ear.  Jeffree lost hearing in his right ear when he was about 10 or 11, due to some serious infections.  He had surgery to remove the infection, and was left with about 40% hearing in that ear.  I'm pretty sure it's gotten worse since then.  Take note, I always sit to Jeffree's left so that he can hear me. 

Both my dad and Jeffree are super funny.  I seriously laugh at almost everything they say.  My dad is probably the most clever, witty person I know.  Jeff's not far behind him.

Their favorite candy bar is Reeces. 

They both give really great hugs. 


I love them both.  Happy Dad's day!

today

 Early morning snuggles.  She always chooses daddy to cuddle with in the morning.

She only wears skirts these days.  

Getting kisses from daddy while she helps him grind the wheat to make bread.

Working on the piles of sorted hand me downs that need to be washed before baby brother gets here.  This is my family room... not my laundry room.

Sidewalk chalk before it gets to warm to play outside.

The six feet in our little family.  With a blurry belly in the way to prove that two more feet will be joining us soon.

 Walking around the neighborhood in order to complete one of Jeffree's school assignments.

Stopping to say hi to our favorite neighbor.

 

Hours later, after naps and baking bread.  Waiting for a client at our photo shoot destination.

Playing frisbee with daddy while we wait.

Happy Thursday!

my story

I've written and deleted several posts about my experience with postpartum.  It's not because I don't want to share, but because I don't know how to share.  There is too much to say, and no way to actually say it.  So here is an inadequate glimpse of my experience.

Having a newborn is a beautiful adventure, but there are so many emotions besides the joy of a precious little baby.  Although I was fully aware of postpartum depression before I had little e, I could never know the difficulties ahead of me as I experienced this awful condition.  It was the darkest, most exhausting period in my life.  I felt anger, guilt, and despair, in addition to the physical exhaustion of a terrible recovery.  It was a scary time in my life.

People told me it was normal, that all new moms feel that way.  They said to give myself 6 weeks and I'd start feeling better.  6 weeks came and went and there was no relief.  It was a few weeks after little e was born that I realized what I had was postpartum.  I tried to survive the hours when Jeffree was gone.  When he got home, more often than not, I would be weeping.  I would give him the baby, crawl in bed and sob.  He said to me one day that he didn't think I liked being a mom.  That only made me cry more.  But the thing was, he was partly correct, I didn't always like being a mom.  I always loved my baby, but there were days when I didn't want to be a mom.  There were days when I just didn't think I could do it.  There were days when I just didn't want to do it.  I was so tired, so depressed, so overwhelmed.  It lasted for months.

Little e was probably about 4 weeks old and Jeffree and I took her to a little farmer's market.  I saw a friend who was pregnant and I told her, "Being a mom is the harder than anything you've ever done.  It's so much harder than anyone tells you."  She looked at me with that pregnancy glow and said, "But it's worth it, right?"  I told her, "Sometimes it's not."  She looked at me like I was the worst person in the world.  But I held my ground.  When your child is screaming and there's nothing you can do, when you're beyond a functioning level of exhaustion, you are not thinking, "Wow!  This is hard but totally worth it!"  You are wondering how you will ever survive.  You are wondering when it's going to get better, like everyone keeps telling you.  You are wondering why anyone would ever have another child, knowing that this is what they have to go through. 

I was open and honest with my friends and family.  I knew my friends were worried about me and I appreciate the sacrifices they made to come spend time with me or let me hang out at there house or get me out on a walk. 

Looking back, I would say that my severe postpartum lasted until little e was about 4-5 months old.  I started actually enjoying being a mom when she was 6 months old.  I need to clarify that I always loved my beautiful girl.  There were times of awe and wonder and joy throughout the entire experience.  There were moments when all I could do was look at how cute and sweet she was and just love her.  But loving her didn't make it easy to take care of her or me or function like a normal person.

I love sweet little e so much.  I would do anything for her, and yes, it was all worth it.  I love being her mom and there really is no greater joy.  I sincerely love hanging out with her all day.  I love her kisses and her squeeze hugs.  I love singing songs and doing puzzles and playing with "lagos."  I love it when she talks about Jesus and how much she loves Him. 

If there is one thing I gained from experiencing what I did, it is a greater love and appreciation for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  He suffered everything I did, just so He could comfort me.  He loves each of us that much.  I am forever grateful to Him for His sacrifice and His love.  I am also grateful for my loving Heavenly Father, for His plan of happiness, and for my eternal family.

I am looking forward to holding our sweet baby boy in my arms.  I know it won't be easy.  But I also know that providing him with a physical body is one of the most important things I can do on this earth.  Even when I don't have the energy for anything else, I will love him and little e with all my heart. 

a great and noble task

I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker. 

-Helen Keller

And so, I am off to do laundry.  Perhaps someday this humble task will produce in me or in the world something great and noble.  But for now, at least I'll have something to wear.

today

thought about how cute e looked, with her hair in her face and her heart melting smile.

i'm going to miss having her all to myself.

life

I just scheduled the rest of my appointments for this little man.  It makes it seem so close.  7 weeks until the due date.  Maybe 8 until delivery.

Little e is giving me kisses on the tummy.  She still wants me to hold her all. the. time.  She is using her whining voice more often and bursts into tears over the silliest things.  Does she know what's coming?  I'm really hoping this is not her new normal. 

She was sweet today, though.  An early morning snuggle in our beds, since she is still getting used to her big girl room.  Helping clean a few things and start to get things organized for the new man.  Dancing and kisses and lunch and singing the ABCs in the wrong order.

Two more days until summer vacation.  Five more days till the man starts summer school and his summer job. 

Exhausted, but life is good.

tag, i'm it

 My friend McCall tagged me, which is nice since it gives me a topic to write about.  The rules are:

A. List 11 things about yourself

B. Answer the questions the nominee created for you

C. Choose 11 bloggers to nominate

D. Create 11 questions for them (or use the previous questions)

About me:
1.  I am 5'8".  I wanted to grow up to be 5'10" but I didn't quite make it.  

2.  I am the 8th child of 14.  My mom is a rockstar.

3.  I graduated from BYU-Idaho with a Bachelors degree in Math Education.  I taught for one year before retiring to be a mom.

4.  My greatest fear is being fat.

5.  I've never been to Disneyland.

6.  The 5 things that changed my life the most are 1. Being born   2. Going to college   3. Marrying Jeffree  4. Having my daughter   5. Getting braces

7.  I had virgin lips until I was 20. 

8.  My wedding ring is size 4.75 and I can still wear it when I'm pregnant.  I have really small hands.

9.  I love road trips and I always loved family vacations.  I have so many memories of singing in the van with my siblings.  We went on simple, inexpensive vacations, but I loved them!

10.  I love running.  It's not easy or pleasant by any means, but I love how I feel after a good run.  A few nights ago I dreamed that I was running.  It was beautiful.

11.  I have ADD when it comes to completing any task.  I get distracted with a gazillion other things, and sometimes I really have to force myself to just complete something before moving on to something else.  You can tell whether Jeffree or I did the dishes, because if I do them, there are like 3 dirty dishes left on the counter.


Now to the questions I'm supposed to answer:

1. What is the strangest thing you ever did?  
Jeffree drove to Rexburg to visit me when we were dating.  We performed an impromptu musical in the gazebo on campus.  It was really funny to try and keep a straight face and make up song lyrics off the top of our heads.  I imagine the people who walked by that night thought we were pretty strange!

2. What is your most embarrassing moment?
My very first youth conference (I was 14), I was doing a ropes course with my "family group."  I had to swing from a fallen log to a platform, where my brother was supposed to catch me.  I put my feet down a little early, my toe caught on the platform and I went flying and tumbling through the foliage.  The worst part is that someone caught it on film and showed it to all the youth on a big screen in slow motion.  The 3rd time it played, I noticed that my shirt flew up and flashed my belly to all witnesses.  Lovely.

3. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
I'm really funny.  Especially if I'm just around women.  That's why Jeffree married me. 

4. What three items would you take with you if you knew you were going to be stranded on an island for a year?

Assuming that my family is stranded with me, I would bring a tent, Vaseline, and my camera.

5. What dessert do you order the most often?

I don't really "order" dessert.  We rarely eat out, since it's not in our budget, and I think I can make some pretty good desserts.  But I do like going out for ice cream.  Cake batter ice cream with brownie is my favorite.  

6. If you could have any superhero power, what would it be?

To love people.  I wish I just could love everyone perfectly and sincerely.  

7. What is the best gift anyone has ever given you?

Hmmm... this one is hard for me to answer.  The gift of life?  I suppose I'll say when Jeffree and I gave ourselves to each other in marriage.  I know that's cheesy, but that's what you get. 

8. Where is your ideal vacation spot?

Hawaii.  I secretly want to "surprise" Jeffree with tickets to Hawaii for when he graduates with his Masters, but it will probably be a couple years after that before we actually go.  Plus, he's not huge into surprises.  Plus, he reads this blog, so it wouldn't be a surprise.  But yes, I really want to go to Hawaii (so if anyone wants to sponsor me, let me know haha:)

9. What makes you feel most alive?

Playing with Jeffree and little e.  Loving them so much that my heart melts.  And hearing them tell me they love me.

10. What has been the best decision you've ever made?

Marrying Jeffree.  I had pretty high expectations for the man I would marry, and he exceeds them all.  He constantly lifts me up when I am down, always loves me, and takes such good care of me.  He is a better person than me in every way.  Except that I am funnier. ;)

11. What is your greatest accomplishment?

Having children.  It was no small thing for me to bring little e into this world, and taking care of her through months of post par tum is the hardest thing I've ever done.  But knowing that she's mine forever, that she loves Jesus, and that we're best friends - I know there is nothing greater I could ever do in my life than be a mom.  I already feel the same way about my little man.  

I nominate:

Elyse Brantingham 

Lynae Lewis

Bekah Hintze

Caitlin Stewart

Krisann Leavitt
Michelle McGuire

Carissa Johnson

Portia Fitzwater

Lindsay Rosas

anyone else who reads this blog :)

The questions are:

1.  What is the strangest thing you've ever done?

2.  What is your most embarrassing moment?

3.  Where do you see yourself in ten years?

4.  What's the best decision you've ever made?

5.  What is your greatest accomplishment?

6.  What does a perfect day look like in your life?

7.  If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

8.  What is your greatest fear?

9.  If you had to choose a different name for yourself, what would it be?

10.  If you were a kitchen utensil, what would you be and why?

11.  If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

happy birthday TWO you

This little gal turned 2 and was so excited for her birthday! 

Here she is in all her birthday glory...

We started the day off by letting her "open" her new big girl room.  She loves it, even if she doesn't sleep in her new bed quite yet.  I made her a little reading canopy.  She still has no idea why it's there, but she likes to play in it :)

Every girl needs cute nails on her birthday, so we did manicures and pedicures after watching Daddy play frisbee that morning.

Sweet little e loves pretending and playing with Daddy.  The baby wipes are her pillow, of course.

We invited little e's cousins over for cake and ice cream.  We really didn't think very many people would come.  Turns out that everyone we invited showed up except one family (we missed you Paul and Mykal).  37 people, 2 cakes, 1 pan of brownies, a huge tub of ice cream, lots of presents, and a broken swing set later (note to self: our swing set cannot hold ten children at once), we put our exhausted little girl to bed.

We love you, little e belle.  You bring us so much joy and laughter and beautiful, tender moments.  We are so glad you are part of our family.  Thanks for making our lives that much sweeter.

Strawberry Orange Julius

I just made a delicious strawberry orange julius, and I thought I'd better share. 

6 oz frozen orange juice concentrate
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup non fat plain yogurt
1 cup water
1/2 cup agave (you can use sugar)
1 tsp vanilla extract
6-8 strawberries
ice cubes (I like mine thick, so I added about 18 ice cubes)

Mix in a blender until smooth.  Enjoy!

I think next time I'm going to use more yogurt instead of the milk.  You can do it the other way around, too. 

why i still love my man

Despite crawling into my shell the last 3 weeks due to the longest most nasty cold ever, I still love my man.

He takes care of me when I'm sick.

He makes me laugh.  All the time. 

He loves his little girl.  And makes the perfect "horsey" for her to ride.

He thinks I'm pretty.  Although he did laugh at me last night when I tried to be seductive while rubbing lotion on my belly.

He's tall.  Seriously.  Living with a man who is 6'3" has lots of advantages.

He hugs me for long periods of time.  I love a good hug.

He listens to me when I cry.  And when I tell him I don't ever want to be pregnant again.  He knows that I really do want to have more babies, but he doesn't say that.  He just thanks me for sacrificing for him and our family.  And then he loves me some more, even though I'm an emotional mess.

He does the dishes and helps with the laundry.  Not just sometimes, but all the time.

When I ask, "Can I keep you?"  He always says yes.

He's fun to kiss.

He's mine.

I love you, sweet Jeffree. 

tummy love

i actually did my hair today, which inspired me to take some ridiculously awesome tummy shots. haha

24 weeks

this is the part where you leave a comment telling me how cute I look, all pregnant and stuff. wink wink

bring on the tummy love!

Why I love my man

Yes, I still love him.  I've just been a little down and out with a dreadful cold.  Congestion headaches are the worst.  Which brings me to one thing I love about my man.

He is sooooo helpful.  Like, he helps with the dishes, not just every now and then, but every day.  And he scrubs toilets.  And helps with the laundry.  When I'm not feeling well, he whips up a great dinner.  He gives little e her bath at night.  He massages my feet.  He makes sure I always have what I need.  He is consistently working to ease my burdens and is always helping with the housework.

I'm sure some of that stems from him growing up in a spotlessly clean home, so that's how he likes things.  But it's also just cuz he's sweet and thoughtful and wants to do whatever he can to help me out.  Even though he works full time and is taking a full load of classes, he still manages to make my life easier by cleaning here and there.  Every day.  Very attractive. 

kisses

The following conversation actually took place.  And I want to remember it. 

little e: Hold me, Mommy.  Hold me.

me:  I'll hold you in a minute.

little e:  Hold me, Mommy. 

me:  You mean I have to be your mom and I have to hold you?

little e: mmm hmmm!

me:  How much money do I get?

little e:  Kisses kisses! (pronounced kee-ses)

I'm not sure where she learned that kisses double as currency, but I accepted the kisses and held my girl.  What a cutie pants.

She is in the cutest stage of life right now.  Old enough to hold my hand, give me kisses, and tell me she loves me (okay, most of the time she tells me she loves her daddy).  She melts my heart over and over and over again and I can't get enough of how sweet and snuggly she is.
 
I love you, little e.  I hope you always know that. 

happy march

some people don't like march.  that's fine.  but i think it's a wonderful month.  especially since it's the month that brought my man into the world.

yep, mr. shirley is about to turn ancient!  and i'll be getting all mushy about how much i love him.  

in no particular order, i present to you the love series, "why i love my man."

let's get started. 

reason number 1:  he doesn't play video games.  i'm serious, ladies and gentleman.  i think it's so hot that he doesn't play video games.  of course, when we go visit family, he'll join in on the friendly competition (and he's usually awful).  but it's not a habit of his to play regularly.  and it turns me on.  i tell him all the time, too.  that's how i hit on him. 

here he is, not playing video games:

and again, not playing video games:

and one more time

see what i mean?  love it.  love him.  for reals.

my life

got out of bed to kiss the hubs goodbye.

noticed it was snowing outside.  mentally canceled our walk today.

ate breakfast.  never thought i'd say this, but i'm a little bored with eating lately.  why am i so hungry?

put together a puzzle with little e.  she loves puzzles.  i love hearing her say, "goes here" when she's holding a piece in her hand.

started a load of laundry.  which is a pretty big deal around here.

set up the card table in our mess room, which will serve as my sewing table.  hoping we can change it from a mess room to a craft room.

changed little e's poopy and got her dressed.  she even let me do her hair.

read some books with little e.

made some calls to get ready for new beginnings tonight.  be glad when it's over.  i'm not a fan of big activities that require so much planning.  and i'm not even in charge.

made oobleck with e girl.  after getting over the fact that her hands were going to be messy, she loved it.

had lunch.

ichat with the hubs.  yes, we do that every day.  he's cute like that.

thinking i'll go take a nap.  then a shower.  probably ought to do it the other way around, but i won't.

life is beautiful, don't you think?

happy tuesday :)