my story

I've written and deleted several posts about my experience with postpartum.  It's not because I don't want to share, but because I don't know how to share.  There is too much to say, and no way to actually say it.  So here is an inadequate glimpse of my experience.

Having a newborn is a beautiful adventure, but there are so many emotions besides the joy of a precious little baby.  Although I was fully aware of postpartum depression before I had little e, I could never know the difficulties ahead of me as I experienced this awful condition.  It was the darkest, most exhausting period in my life.  I felt anger, guilt, and despair, in addition to the physical exhaustion of a terrible recovery.  It was a scary time in my life.

People told me it was normal, that all new moms feel that way.  They said to give myself 6 weeks and I'd start feeling better.  6 weeks came and went and there was no relief.  It was a few weeks after little e was born that I realized what I had was postpartum.  I tried to survive the hours when Jeffree was gone.  When he got home, more often than not, I would be weeping.  I would give him the baby, crawl in bed and sob.  He said to me one day that he didn't think I liked being a mom.  That only made me cry more.  But the thing was, he was partly correct, I didn't always like being a mom.  I always loved my baby, but there were days when I didn't want to be a mom.  There were days when I just didn't think I could do it.  There were days when I just didn't want to do it.  I was so tired, so depressed, so overwhelmed.  It lasted for months.

Little e was probably about 4 weeks old and Jeffree and I took her to a little farmer's market.  I saw a friend who was pregnant and I told her, "Being a mom is the harder than anything you've ever done.  It's so much harder than anyone tells you."  She looked at me with that pregnancy glow and said, "But it's worth it, right?"  I told her, "Sometimes it's not."  She looked at me like I was the worst person in the world.  But I held my ground.  When your child is screaming and there's nothing you can do, when you're beyond a functioning level of exhaustion, you are not thinking, "Wow!  This is hard but totally worth it!"  You are wondering how you will ever survive.  You are wondering when it's going to get better, like everyone keeps telling you.  You are wondering why anyone would ever have another child, knowing that this is what they have to go through. 

I was open and honest with my friends and family.  I knew my friends were worried about me and I appreciate the sacrifices they made to come spend time with me or let me hang out at there house or get me out on a walk. 

Looking back, I would say that my severe postpartum lasted until little e was about 4-5 months old.  I started actually enjoying being a mom when she was 6 months old.  I need to clarify that I always loved my beautiful girl.  There were times of awe and wonder and joy throughout the entire experience.  There were moments when all I could do was look at how cute and sweet she was and just love her.  But loving her didn't make it easy to take care of her or me or function like a normal person.

I love sweet little e so much.  I would do anything for her, and yes, it was all worth it.  I love being her mom and there really is no greater joy.  I sincerely love hanging out with her all day.  I love her kisses and her squeeze hugs.  I love singing songs and doing puzzles and playing with "lagos."  I love it when she talks about Jesus and how much she loves Him. 

If there is one thing I gained from experiencing what I did, it is a greater love and appreciation for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  He suffered everything I did, just so He could comfort me.  He loves each of us that much.  I am forever grateful to Him for His sacrifice and His love.  I am also grateful for my loving Heavenly Father, for His plan of happiness, and for my eternal family.

I am looking forward to holding our sweet baby boy in my arms.  I know it won't be easy.  But I also know that providing him with a physical body is one of the most important things I can do on this earth.  Even when I don't have the energy for anything else, I will love him and little e with all my heart. 

a great and noble task

I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker. 

-Helen Keller

And so, I am off to do laundry.  Perhaps someday this humble task will produce in me or in the world something great and noble.  But for now, at least I'll have something to wear.

life

I just scheduled the rest of my appointments for this little man.  It makes it seem so close.  7 weeks until the due date.  Maybe 8 until delivery.

Little e is giving me kisses on the tummy.  She still wants me to hold her all. the. time.  She is using her whining voice more often and bursts into tears over the silliest things.  Does she know what's coming?  I'm really hoping this is not her new normal. 

She was sweet today, though.  An early morning snuggle in our beds, since she is still getting used to her big girl room.  Helping clean a few things and start to get things organized for the new man.  Dancing and kisses and lunch and singing the ABCs in the wrong order.

Two more days until summer vacation.  Five more days till the man starts summer school and his summer job. 

Exhausted, but life is good.

moments

"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children.... What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else."  - M. Russell Ballard

Sometimes its easy to feel like others have all the right answers to raising my child.  But sweet little e is mine, and I am her mother.  The role is Divine, and as with all Divine roles, we will receive divine help to fulfill our role.

My sweet e is so precious to me and I love her so very much.  I often wonder how she can be so cute and smart and sweet and funny.  She's even gone all cuddly on me lately.  I feel so blessed that I was chosen to be her Mother.  

"Recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments.  There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction."  - Ballard

Cherish the moments.

i'm not gonna break

Why is starting over so difficult?  

A wiser man than me taught, "All growth takes place outside of our comfort zone."  And I am certainly well outside my comfort zone.  But I don't know how much I'm really growing.

Perhaps I need to be patient with myself.  After all, these things take time.  I just feel like I'm starting over in every aspect of my life.  A new town.  A new ward.  A new house.  A new (old) body.  A new attempt at exercise.  A new little baby.  A new budget.  A new job.  Trying to make new friends.  And I'm not feeling as successful as I hoped I'd be.

I'm not trying to complain.  Most of the changes are for the best.  But it doesn't make them easier.

Here's to doing better than I have been, as I strive to find balance in my new life.  Here's to learning things all over again as our lives change.  And here's to growing amidst it all.

it's all about your heart

Today I feel beautiful. No, I didn't shower or do my hair. yet. I haven't put on make up (and I probably won't). But I feel beautiful. Because today when I looked in the mirror, I glimpsed something more than my physical appearance (which is...as you can see...interesting).

I saw a healthy body, hair on my head, clean, clear skin, a smile. I saw a mother who, though struggling most of the time, is trying hard to give her daughter everything she can.

I have every blessing in the world. Good health, a sound mind, a perfect husband (who always treats me as if I'm the most beautiful woman in the whole universe), a darling baby girl, and the gospel of Jesus Christ. That is more than enough reason to feel beautiful.

What makes you feel beautiful?

don't know how to be something you miss

a list of things we miss:

summer

stomach muscles

nathan, lexi, katrina, and seth

a good night's sleep

blowing bubbles

warm, rainy days

family

cedar city

running

corn on the cob

suu militia

the great outdoors

march is almost over, which means spring and little e are on their way. then maybe we won't miss so many things here in the shirley house.

what little joys will april bring, i wonder...

with your hands in your pockets

I have a lot of thoughts swirling around. And in a need to release some of them onto the blogging world, I have chosen the most shallow of all my thoughts: My love for over-sized sweatshirts.

I wore one almost every day during the winter in high school. I felt so cozy and so skinny in something that was clearly a few sizes too big. One summer when I was home working, after my boyfriend broke up with me, one of the sisters in my ward told me to go buy a new sweater and cuddle with it – sweaters are much more faithful. I took her advice to heart. :)

So the other day, while Jeffree was out and I was tidying the apartment, I felt the need to don an over-sized sweatshirt. As life would have it, an over-sized sweatshirt is hard to come by when you’re 8 months pregnant. I put on one of Jeffree’s sweaters, which couldn’t even be classified as huge on me. The sleeves were too long, though, which did bring somewhat of the feeling I was hoping for. No, I didn’t feel skinny. And it certainly wasn’t the coziest of sweaters. But it was slightly too big for me, so I basked in the experience.

Happy Sunday, friends.