my story

I've written and deleted several posts about my experience with postpartum.  It's not because I don't want to share, but because I don't know how to share.  There is too much to say, and no way to actually say it.  So here is an inadequate glimpse of my experience.

Having a newborn is a beautiful adventure, but there are so many emotions besides the joy of a precious little baby.  Although I was fully aware of postpartum depression before I had little e, I could never know the difficulties ahead of me as I experienced this awful condition.  It was the darkest, most exhausting period in my life.  I felt anger, guilt, and despair, in addition to the physical exhaustion of a terrible recovery.  It was a scary time in my life.

People told me it was normal, that all new moms feel that way.  They said to give myself 6 weeks and I'd start feeling better.  6 weeks came and went and there was no relief.  It was a few weeks after little e was born that I realized what I had was postpartum.  I tried to survive the hours when Jeffree was gone.  When he got home, more often than not, I would be weeping.  I would give him the baby, crawl in bed and sob.  He said to me one day that he didn't think I liked being a mom.  That only made me cry more.  But the thing was, he was partly correct, I didn't always like being a mom.  I always loved my baby, but there were days when I didn't want to be a mom.  There were days when I just didn't think I could do it.  There were days when I just didn't want to do it.  I was so tired, so depressed, so overwhelmed.  It lasted for months.

Little e was probably about 4 weeks old and Jeffree and I took her to a little farmer's market.  I saw a friend who was pregnant and I told her, "Being a mom is the harder than anything you've ever done.  It's so much harder than anyone tells you."  She looked at me with that pregnancy glow and said, "But it's worth it, right?"  I told her, "Sometimes it's not."  She looked at me like I was the worst person in the world.  But I held my ground.  When your child is screaming and there's nothing you can do, when you're beyond a functioning level of exhaustion, you are not thinking, "Wow!  This is hard but totally worth it!"  You are wondering how you will ever survive.  You are wondering when it's going to get better, like everyone keeps telling you.  You are wondering why anyone would ever have another child, knowing that this is what they have to go through. 

I was open and honest with my friends and family.  I knew my friends were worried about me and I appreciate the sacrifices they made to come spend time with me or let me hang out at there house or get me out on a walk. 

Looking back, I would say that my severe postpartum lasted until little e was about 4-5 months old.  I started actually enjoying being a mom when she was 6 months old.  I need to clarify that I always loved my beautiful girl.  There were times of awe and wonder and joy throughout the entire experience.  There were moments when all I could do was look at how cute and sweet she was and just love her.  But loving her didn't make it easy to take care of her or me or function like a normal person.

I love sweet little e so much.  I would do anything for her, and yes, it was all worth it.  I love being her mom and there really is no greater joy.  I sincerely love hanging out with her all day.  I love her kisses and her squeeze hugs.  I love singing songs and doing puzzles and playing with "lagos."  I love it when she talks about Jesus and how much she loves Him. 

If there is one thing I gained from experiencing what I did, it is a greater love and appreciation for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  He suffered everything I did, just so He could comfort me.  He loves each of us that much.  I am forever grateful to Him for His sacrifice and His love.  I am also grateful for my loving Heavenly Father, for His plan of happiness, and for my eternal family.

I am looking forward to holding our sweet baby boy in my arms.  I know it won't be easy.  But I also know that providing him with a physical body is one of the most important things I can do on this earth.  Even when I don't have the energy for anything else, I will love him and little e with all my heart. 

a great and noble task

I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker. 

-Helen Keller

And so, I am off to do laundry.  Perhaps someday this humble task will produce in me or in the world something great and noble.  But for now, at least I'll have something to wear.

today

thought about how cute e looked, with her hair in her face and her heart melting smile.

i'm going to miss having her all to myself.

life

I just scheduled the rest of my appointments for this little man.  It makes it seem so close.  7 weeks until the due date.  Maybe 8 until delivery.

Little e is giving me kisses on the tummy.  She still wants me to hold her all. the. time.  She is using her whining voice more often and bursts into tears over the silliest things.  Does she know what's coming?  I'm really hoping this is not her new normal. 

She was sweet today, though.  An early morning snuggle in our beds, since she is still getting used to her big girl room.  Helping clean a few things and start to get things organized for the new man.  Dancing and kisses and lunch and singing the ABCs in the wrong order.

Two more days until summer vacation.  Five more days till the man starts summer school and his summer job. 

Exhausted, but life is good.

tag, i'm it

 My friend McCall tagged me, which is nice since it gives me a topic to write about.  The rules are:

A. List 11 things about yourself

B. Answer the questions the nominee created for you

C. Choose 11 bloggers to nominate

D. Create 11 questions for them (or use the previous questions)

About me:
1.  I am 5'8".  I wanted to grow up to be 5'10" but I didn't quite make it.  

2.  I am the 8th child of 14.  My mom is a rockstar.

3.  I graduated from BYU-Idaho with a Bachelors degree in Math Education.  I taught for one year before retiring to be a mom.

4.  My greatest fear is being fat.

5.  I've never been to Disneyland.

6.  The 5 things that changed my life the most are 1. Being born   2. Going to college   3. Marrying Jeffree  4. Having my daughter   5. Getting braces

7.  I had virgin lips until I was 20. 

8.  My wedding ring is size 4.75 and I can still wear it when I'm pregnant.  I have really small hands.

9.  I love road trips and I always loved family vacations.  I have so many memories of singing in the van with my siblings.  We went on simple, inexpensive vacations, but I loved them!

10.  I love running.  It's not easy or pleasant by any means, but I love how I feel after a good run.  A few nights ago I dreamed that I was running.  It was beautiful.

11.  I have ADD when it comes to completing any task.  I get distracted with a gazillion other things, and sometimes I really have to force myself to just complete something before moving on to something else.  You can tell whether Jeffree or I did the dishes, because if I do them, there are like 3 dirty dishes left on the counter.


Now to the questions I'm supposed to answer:

1. What is the strangest thing you ever did?  
Jeffree drove to Rexburg to visit me when we were dating.  We performed an impromptu musical in the gazebo on campus.  It was really funny to try and keep a straight face and make up song lyrics off the top of our heads.  I imagine the people who walked by that night thought we were pretty strange!

2. What is your most embarrassing moment?
My very first youth conference (I was 14), I was doing a ropes course with my "family group."  I had to swing from a fallen log to a platform, where my brother was supposed to catch me.  I put my feet down a little early, my toe caught on the platform and I went flying and tumbling through the foliage.  The worst part is that someone caught it on film and showed it to all the youth on a big screen in slow motion.  The 3rd time it played, I noticed that my shirt flew up and flashed my belly to all witnesses.  Lovely.

3. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
I'm really funny.  Especially if I'm just around women.  That's why Jeffree married me. 

4. What three items would you take with you if you knew you were going to be stranded on an island for a year?

Assuming that my family is stranded with me, I would bring a tent, Vaseline, and my camera.

5. What dessert do you order the most often?

I don't really "order" dessert.  We rarely eat out, since it's not in our budget, and I think I can make some pretty good desserts.  But I do like going out for ice cream.  Cake batter ice cream with brownie is my favorite.  

6. If you could have any superhero power, what would it be?

To love people.  I wish I just could love everyone perfectly and sincerely.  

7. What is the best gift anyone has ever given you?

Hmmm... this one is hard for me to answer.  The gift of life?  I suppose I'll say when Jeffree and I gave ourselves to each other in marriage.  I know that's cheesy, but that's what you get. 

8. Where is your ideal vacation spot?

Hawaii.  I secretly want to "surprise" Jeffree with tickets to Hawaii for when he graduates with his Masters, but it will probably be a couple years after that before we actually go.  Plus, he's not huge into surprises.  Plus, he reads this blog, so it wouldn't be a surprise.  But yes, I really want to go to Hawaii (so if anyone wants to sponsor me, let me know haha:)

9. What makes you feel most alive?

Playing with Jeffree and little e.  Loving them so much that my heart melts.  And hearing them tell me they love me.

10. What has been the best decision you've ever made?

Marrying Jeffree.  I had pretty high expectations for the man I would marry, and he exceeds them all.  He constantly lifts me up when I am down, always loves me, and takes such good care of me.  He is a better person than me in every way.  Except that I am funnier. ;)

11. What is your greatest accomplishment?

Having children.  It was no small thing for me to bring little e into this world, and taking care of her through months of post par tum is the hardest thing I've ever done.  But knowing that she's mine forever, that she loves Jesus, and that we're best friends - I know there is nothing greater I could ever do in my life than be a mom.  I already feel the same way about my little man.  

I nominate:

Elyse Brantingham 

Lynae Lewis

Bekah Hintze

Caitlin Stewart

Krisann Leavitt
Michelle McGuire

Carissa Johnson

Portia Fitzwater

Lindsay Rosas

anyone else who reads this blog :)

The questions are:

1.  What is the strangest thing you've ever done?

2.  What is your most embarrassing moment?

3.  Where do you see yourself in ten years?

4.  What's the best decision you've ever made?

5.  What is your greatest accomplishment?

6.  What does a perfect day look like in your life?

7.  If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

8.  What is your greatest fear?

9.  If you had to choose a different name for yourself, what would it be?

10.  If you were a kitchen utensil, what would you be and why?

11.  If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

happy birthday TWO you

This little gal turned 2 and was so excited for her birthday! 

Here she is in all her birthday glory...

We started the day off by letting her "open" her new big girl room.  She loves it, even if she doesn't sleep in her new bed quite yet.  I made her a little reading canopy.  She still has no idea why it's there, but she likes to play in it :)

Every girl needs cute nails on her birthday, so we did manicures and pedicures after watching Daddy play frisbee that morning.

Sweet little e loves pretending and playing with Daddy.  The baby wipes are her pillow, of course.

We invited little e's cousins over for cake and ice cream.  We really didn't think very many people would come.  Turns out that everyone we invited showed up except one family (we missed you Paul and Mykal).  37 people, 2 cakes, 1 pan of brownies, a huge tub of ice cream, lots of presents, and a broken swing set later (note to self: our swing set cannot hold ten children at once), we put our exhausted little girl to bed.

We love you, little e belle.  You bring us so much joy and laughter and beautiful, tender moments.  We are so glad you are part of our family.  Thanks for making our lives that much sweeter.

Strawberry Orange Julius

I just made a delicious strawberry orange julius, and I thought I'd better share. 

6 oz frozen orange juice concentrate
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup non fat plain yogurt
1 cup water
1/2 cup agave (you can use sugar)
1 tsp vanilla extract
6-8 strawberries
ice cubes (I like mine thick, so I added about 18 ice cubes)

Mix in a blender until smooth.  Enjoy!

I think next time I'm going to use more yogurt instead of the milk.  You can do it the other way around, too.